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Tuesday, January 14, 2003

The Emperor Speaks

So, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) has declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President.

So, dear readers, I present to you this exclusive Answer Guy interview with Senator Lieberman.

ANSWER GUY: So why are you throwing your hat into the Presidential ring?

LIEBERMAN: The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greddy,squabbling delegates who are only looking out for themselves and their home systems. There is no interest in the common good- no civility, only politics.

ANSWER GUY: So, Senator, how enthusiastic are you about running for President?

LIEBERMAN: It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy... I love the Republic.

ANSWER GUY: What do you think are your chances of prevailing in a crowded Democratic primary field?

LIEBERMAN: I promise you there are many who will support us. Everything is going as planned.

ANSWER GUY: So, what do you think your chances would be against President George W. Bush should you get the Democratic nomination?

LIEBERMAN: The republic will soon be in my control. Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

ANSWER GUY: OK, we should get down to important issues. Regarding foreign policy. What would you do about the Israeli/Palestinian conflict?

LIEBERMAN: Soon the rebellion will be crushed.

ANSWER GUY: What if the Israeli government explicitly repudiated the Oslo accords and attempted to re-occupy all Palestinian lands?

LIEBERMAN: There is little chance the Senate will act on invasion.

ANSWER GUY: I see. On the issue of Homeland Security. Where do you stand on the issue of allowing government broad new powers to snoop on its citizenry?

LIEBERMAN: I realise all too well that additional security might be disruptive for you. The power you give me I will lay down when this crisis has abated, I promise you.

ANSWER GUY: Now about prescription drugs, that might be a big issue in the 2004 campaign.

LIEBERMAN: Patience my friend. There is a question of procedure, but I feel confident we can overcome it.

ANSWER GUY: That’s good to know. What’s your position on reproductive choice?

LIEBERMAN: I will make it legal.

ANSWER GUY: How about trade policy? What is your stance on the Free Trade Area of the Americas?

LIEBERMAN: I want that treaty signed!

ANSWER GUY: So what would you have to say to an undecided Democratic primary voter?

LIEBERMAN: It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now mine

ANSWER GUY: Um…I think my Dad’s gone Republican on me, actually.

LIEBERMAN: This turn of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans.

ANSWER GUY: How would you assess the Clinton presidency?

LIEBERMAN: Mired down by baseless accusations of corruption. A manufactured scandal surrounds him.

ANSWER GUY: Looking to the next two years in the Senate. Do you see many positive things coming out of Congress in the next couple years, or do you think Democrats will be playing defense?

LIEBERMAN: Be patient…let them make the first move. I will see to it in that in the Senate things stay as they are. Enter the bureaucrats, the true rulers of the Republic.

ANSWER GUY: Do you plan on joining your colleagues’ threat to filibuster President Bush’s controversial conservative judicial appointments.

LIEBERMAN: I am mild by nature and have no desire to destroy the democratic process.

ANSWER GUY: How would you describe your campaign apparatus?

LIEBERMAN: Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.

ANSWER GUY: OK…Well, Senator, thank you for your time…

LIEBERMAN: Young fool...Only now, at the end, do you understand...

ANSWER GUY: Huh?

LIEBERMAN : Excellent.

(Yes I spend too much time watching movies.)

Seriously, millions of people have seen the Star Wars movies. Do they expect any one of us to vote for someone who looks so much like the Emperor?

Disclaimer : Though I have interviewed presidential candidates before, this interview never actually happened. It’s a product of my sick, twisted imagination. Sorry for any confusion.


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