The Answer Guy Online

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Thursday, March 13, 2003


Don't You Let That "Deal" Go Down

I counted one homosexuality joke, and one bestalilty joke (chimpanzees) crossed with a pedophelia joke.

Yes, this is not your father's "Let's Make A Deal." For some reason I had been oblivious to NBC's plans to revive the old Monty Hall game show classic. It was always something of a guilty pleasure, and it was guiltier than ever since they've...um...spiced it up a bit. (Not to mention upped the value of the prizes considerably to comfortably exist in a post-Olmstead universe.)

For some reason Matt Herges of the Pittsburgh Pirates made an appearance in a pitching contest that he let the contestant win - Herges was throwing with his off-hand but I gotta imagine he could have done better than that with his off-hand. The contestant's girlfriend had to pick who won, and quite logically chosen the Major League pitcher (if the Pirates count as "Major League" these days,) thus in some subtle way questioning her boyfriend's manhood. I imagine Matt thought he was doing the guy a favor, even if it cost him and his sweetheart $2,500.

He's cute and selfless, very understanding of a fellow guy's pride. But no gay-dar reading on him whatsoever. There needs to be a gay pro athelete so butch gay guys have someone to look up to. Looking up to Jack on "Will and Grace" isn't going to cut the mustard.

In a nod to "Fear Factor," there was one TPIR-esque game where the contestant had to stick his hand in some boxes based on his guesses, with a right guess giving him a prize and a wrong guess involved him touching a mouse, a snake, or some large maggots. I was sitting there thinking "OK, he's got the price of this Vegas Vacation guessed correctly. But, what if he was wrong? That snake looks poisonous. It probably isn't; I think this is one of those snakes that's trying to mimic a poisionous one so no one messes with it. But damn, imagine the lawsuit if someone screwed up, it was the poisonous snake, the contestant sticks his hand in there, gets bitten and dies. "

Law school has ruined you for life, Tim

I was expecting another reality show. Or "Watching Ellie," so I could mock it again.

While we're on the subject, how about a reality show about a group of UN Iraq weapons inspectors that consists entirely of B-list or C-list celebrities? Wouldn't you watch, say, Elizabeth Berkeley, Richard Marx, Edie McClurg, and David Faustino try to avoid accidentally inhaling any anthrax spores found at an Iraqi bio-weapons mobile lab? Wouldn't everyone?

That was a cheap shot, Tim.

Note to aspiring bloggers: If you're writing a blog that's attempting to be funny, you can't do much better than invoke washed-up celebrities. It's lazy but it works. The very mention of a name like Jonathan "Single Guy" Silverman will induce giggles in some people. In the right crowd, so will bad baseball players from the 70s, 80s, or early 90s, particularly if they had nicknames. "Slammin'" Sammy Khalifa, for instance. How'd that guy get a nickname?

The same way you did, probably, Tim. By stealing it.

I didn't steal "Answer Guy." I had no idea that someone from ESPN: The Magazine called himself that. Because like most people, even most sports fans, I am only dimly aware of the existence of ESPN: The Magazine.

Coming tonight, or tomorrow morning: Actual questions from readers, finally answered!

Update: Jeff and his lunch date walked in on me playing air guitar to the solo in Elvin Bishop's "Fooled Around And Fell In Love." Eek.


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