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Wednesday, April 30, 2003

I'm Afraid of Americans

[Warning: I'm irritated today.]

OK. I do my best to inject more light than heat into political discourses. Not everyone on my side does this, but it seems like an exercise in futility, since conservatives are throwing back "arguments" like the following:

If you're a celebrity and you speak out against the war, you increase the troops' chances of getting killed.

If you support merely an irresponsibly massive tax cut rather than a insanely colossal one, you're little better than a cheese eating surrender monkey from France.

Enraging the rest of the world will make America safer. So will making al-Qaida recruiting easier.

Allowing same-sex marriages would either cause currently married people to feel freer to cheat on their spouses, or just gross heteroseuxals out so damn much that they'll stop getting married.

Maybe our side needs to come up with some talking points analogous to these.

An inadequate public health system leaves us vulnerable to catastrpohic pandemics such as SARS.

Nah, you're not thinking crazy and outrageous enough. Try harder.

Massive deficits will generate more weird revenue-enhancing proposalslike this one from Missouri, which purports to tax - I wish I were making this up - masturbation.

That almost makes sense. That will never do.

Bellicose country music songs that imply Saddam Hussein was directly responsible for 9/11 hurt American exports overseas.

No, that's not nearly ridiculous enough. Think "freedom fries."

If Republican judges are confirmed and allowed to dominate the judiciary, they'll force women to wear whalebone corsets in public.

Giving already wealthy celebrities more tax cuts will make them even richer and further from reality, which will result in more Michael Jackson-type behavior from currently reasonably well-adjusted celebrities.

Now we're getting somewhere with those last two.

There, that felt better.


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