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Monday, October 20, 2003

Sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment.

One of my Saturday night activities is walking down to a local movie theaters, plunking down $10 for the right to watch an awful movie, and, while drinking copious quantities of beer, ridiculing said movie (shouting insults or snide remarks at the screen) in front of a few dozen fellow trashy culture vultures.

As a result, I've seen something called "Kung Fu From Beyond The Grave." It has undead kung-fu vampires who hop like bunny rabbits. I don't actually remember much about the plot.

I've seen "Dolomite," a movie so silly it makes other blaxploitation pics from the 1970s look like masterpieces. Lots of people get beat up, the baddies get their comeuppance, and a boom microphone is visible for a good chunk of the time.

I've also seen something called "The Apple," a bad musical from 1980, notable for being even worse than any of the other famously bad musicals from 1980, including "Xanadu," "Can't Stop The Music," and the Robert Altman "Popeye." Imagine a science-fiction dystopia crossed with a Biblical parable. Except that Satan is a record company mogul who dominates the world with bad disco music, assisted by his hordes of gay assistants, and his flagship band, which sounds like a cross between the Bay City Rollers, the Village People, and ELO. When their theme song plays, firemen stop fighting blazes, doctors stop life-saving surgery, and anyone not dancing to "BIM" music is arrested. The year is 1994, but disco is still king. And cars and baby carriages both resemble either "The Homer" from that Simpsons episode or the Ectomobile from Ghostbusters. All commercial buildings look like airport terminals. They make transparent guitars shaped like prisms. Drinking glasses too. And in a literal instance of deus ex machina, God shows up at the end with a Rolls Royce to take our hereos and their hippie fellow travellers up to some other planet. (Sorry to give the ending away.)

But in my masochism I apprently have nothing on Slacktivist. He's reading the entire "Left Behind" series of books, and writing about them. To start off, he also offered a fairly good explanation of why someone ought to be doing this, given the alarming popularity of this series.

I don't have the stomach for that, dear readers.

"The Apple" was only 94 minutes long. Reading even one of those books would waste a day of my life I couldn't have back.

Someone made a movie out of the first "Left Behind" book, and it starred Kirk Cameron. I bet that might be fun to give the same treatment I gave to "Kung Fu Beyond The Grave."


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