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Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Pseudo-Electric Streams Of Pleasure

The British magazine Literary Review gives out a dubious prize every year - the Bad Sex in Fiction award. The winner of this year's award will be announced in a presentation ceremony hosted by Sting, after all the offending passages are recited.

Wow, John Updike and Paul Theroux are nominees.

As bad as the passages in that article are, I bet I could do worse.

The saddest thing about all this is that, after reading a few posts to alt.sex.stories freshman year, I decided to write a piece of bad erotica, just to prove that I could. It turned out way too self-aware/self-conscious, and I was never able to decide whether I wanted to write true stroke lit or simply satirize the easily satirizable genre. (Is "satirizable" a word?)

The essay was written two computers ago, and I can't track it down on any medium. Which, all things considered, might be a good thing.

I remember the plot, such as it was, involved a man named Doug, who was teaching English in China, being seduced by one of his students, who was named Suzi. To say it was awful would be generous. It had ludicrous code words for genitalia. It had all the hallmarks of bad "Asian fetish" porn. There was even bad symbolism as I attempted to compare the illicit sexual affair with warming relations between East and West in the early post-Cold War days. It was laughably bad, which was either entirely beside the point or really was the whole point.

I think I attempted to post it to USENET - more proof that freshmen in college should not be allowed anywhere near the Internet, ever. I don't think it worked, since I looked on every archive I could think of for the phrase that forms the title of this rambling, which is more or less the only chunk of prose that I remember from the whole story.

Apparently I'm the only person in history (at least the only person in history with internet access) ever to have thought of the phrase "pseudo-electric streams of pleasure."

Which is just as well, really.

Never mind that I had no idea how exactly one would experience "pseudo-electric streams of pleasure." I'm still not quite sure what that phrase means, but it sounded good at the time.

Of course, unlike earlier this evening, anyone who googles "Pseudo-Electric Streams Of Pleasure" will come up with at least one result.

Oh, yeah, now I have to do my part. The administration of George W. Bush is a miserable failure.


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