The Answer Guy Online

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Bad Vibrations

Following the 2004 elections, the word came from On High (well, from the movers and shakers in the national media anyway) that those of us in Blue America had to stop making fun of states like Alabama. Some of us are at least making an effort - I hadn't written anything specifically ridiculing Alabama since then.

But they're not exactly making it easy on us.

Here in the year 2005, it's illegal to buy or sell sex toys in the State of Alabama. More specifically, the relvant law targets, among other things, "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs [bought or sold] for any thing of pecuniary value."

Since this is most likely a bunch of old men who passed this law, and a bunch of old men will be charged with interpreting this law, it's highly unlikely that this law is ever going to be construed as outlawing the sale of Viagra, though that medicine and similar ones are "designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" as well. Hell, if we're going to talk about things that are "marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs," how about banning that body spray with the commericals that show attractive women humping toasters?

Anyway, most of us thought this was not only more than a little silly but also unconstitutional following the Supreme Court's landmark ruling in Lawrence v. Texas. A federal District Court judge in Alabama threw out the ban on sex toys, citing the rights to sexual privacy (well above and beyond the sexual acts between two consenting adult men that was the instant case) articulated in Lawrence. The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, however, reversed, ruling for the state.

But then, contrary to what myself and many others predicted in the wake of Lawrence the Supreme Court decided they weren't going to touch this case with a 10-inch Jeff Stryker replica. The Court spoke not a word in its denial of certiorari.

So the long and short of it is that Alabama gets to keep its ban on sex toys.

Maybe the ladies of Alabama, if they don't want to become criminals by virtue of purchasing one of these contraband devices, can use an assault weapon as a masturbatory aid. Who knows - it may be just right to help you really reach that 'ol G-spot, thereby keeping that barrel nice and lubricated. As John Lennon once advised us, Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

Although be warned that you'd better make sure that the gun's not loaded, lest you wind up either here or else here.


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